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3. Alan Jones
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Alan makes a not-so-valiant comeback at Long Beach in 83 (left) before the lure of more cash saw him drive for the Lola outfit (right) in both 1985 and 1986.
This award goes to the procrastinators who couldn't make up their minds as to whether or not they really wanted to race. In this department Carlos Reutemann has it over his old sparring partner Alan Jones, for while the Argentine got out when he didn't feel like it any more, Jones made not one but two pathetic comebacks.
Having retired whilst still at his peak at the end of 1981, Jones spent a year back in Australia before being lured to the Arrows team early in 1983. Jackie Oliver was full of excitement, but as things turned out, Jones' stay was brief. At Long Beach he qualified 12th before retiring from exhaustion. We always knew he wasn't the fittest of blokes, but clearly he was not up to it, and left the team.
Amazingly, though still far from fit, he made another comeback with the Carl Haas-run Beatrice Lola team. In a difficult car which he could get nothing out of, he drove several races in 1985 before doing a full season in 1986, scoring 4 points only. By this stage he was old, grey and significantly beer-bellied, too podgy (see left) to be F1 material any more. Finally he realised this himself, and went back to Australia to race touring cars.
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2. Damon Hill
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 Damon retires his Jordan - yet again - in 1999.
Suffice to say that Damon Hill never got to grips with the new generation of F1 cars in 1998 and 1999, but his on/off retirement saga in 1999 made soap operas look like high quality art. Outperformed by Heinz-Harald Frentzen early in the 1999 season, Hill announced that he would retire at the end of the year. Some criticised him for this, notably Bernie Ecclestone, saying that if his heart wasn't even in it now he should give it away immediately.
That would be far from the end of it, though. At the French GP he retired a problematic car, and after Frentzen went on to win, Hill did not rule out the possibility of an instant retirement, but then decided to do a final race at Silverstone. After an average showing in Britain, he then decided to continue for the rest of the season.
This made both his wife Georgie and boss Eddie Jordan apoplectic, but to their credit they remained diplomatic. Though how Jordan could stay that way after Hill retired a healthy car at Hockenheim I will never know. In the end, Jordan failed to secure Jarno Trulli for the last three races of the season, and Hill was forced to see it out. But by the end of 1999, most were just happy that the saga was over and that the unmotivated Damon was gone.
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 Not exactly how he would have wanted to go out - clashing with the Arrowses at Malaysia 1999, in a car Frentzen made a bid for the Championship in.
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1. Nigel Mansell
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  Mansell finally fits into the 1995 McLaren (left), only to realise what a damn stupid idea the whole charade was (right).
Few people in F1 are as egotistical as Nigel Mansell. This is the man who won the 1992 World Championship because his car was so superior, and then insisted that it was not as easy as it looked. This is the man who couldn't hack the fact that he had more mechanical failures than his team-mate Alain Prost in 1990, and blamed Prost for unsettling the team. This is the man who got sick of Indycars after a year and a half (once again because he wasn't winning), came back to F1 saying that he could beat all comers, and promptly failed miserably to do so. He was such a miserable teammate, some say he cuased Mario Andretti to retire from racing!
Having been dumped by Williams in favour of David Coulthard for 1995, Mansell joined forces with the other inflated ego in the GP paddock, Ron Dennis, hoping that the McLaren/Mercedes combination would give Williams a run for their money. Strange that - a year before, Dennis that insisted that he would never hire a driver that he didn't understand, and that he didn't understand Nigel Mansell ...
Suffice to say that no-one knew what to expect from this bombastic mismatch, but the signs were bad as soon as it was clear that Mansell could not fit into the car. When Mansell finally made his McLaren debut at Imola, he qualified a dismal 10th while team-mate Mika Hakkinen was 5th, and in the race he finished out of points, a lap down. Then at Barcelona, Mansell was running midfield, battling with the Tyrrells when he ran off the track. He returned to the pits and gave up, after which he parted company on less than amicable terms with the team.
He came out and blasted the team for its inability to diagnose and fix the car's inherent problems. Dennis returned the salvo, criticising Mansell for his lack of motivation. Peter Windsor suggests that Mansell only delivers if his ego is nurtured, and the point is, no team in any category of motorsport will be willing to take on a 40+ whiner any more.
Why Mansell still considers himself a free agent, even testing for Jordan in late '96, is beyond us. Why doesn't he just retire?
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Mansell seems to be gesturing "Why bother?". Why indeed, Nige?
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